As the school season comes to a close, the time for festivities is upon us. With events such as the Junior Prom, Senior Ball, Baccalaureate and so forth, it is important to look your best. This is why the age-old spray tan is the most optimal method for achieving ultimate transcendent beauty during the most important times of our lives.

Did you know that settling Europeans in America used to rub clay on themselves out of envy of the darkened skin of the Native Americans? Indeed, this was done in order to avoid appearing as though one had “Skin of kettle gourd,” a concern that has perpetuated throughout all of caucasia right up until the present day. Furthermore, upon seeing the pallid sickly faces of those who were infected by the various diseases of the Eastern world, the settlers made it a priority to avoid displaying such vulnerability as one who might succumb to smallpox. (softies, am I right?)  

Despite the historical context of spray-tanning, the motives behind the practice have certainly evolved over time. Nowadays, one might get a spray tan in order to pursue the golden-glazed look of one who has spent the day in the sun, without the harm of UV rays, or the time commitment that comes along with it. Ideally, a spray tan will serve as a solid base layer from which one can build their ideal image of beauty. A good spray tan is subtle and tasteful; the problems come when a spray tan becomes a “hose-down-tan” if you will.

Often in the pursuit of a perfect personal image, we can become lost in our perception of what exactly that image should be, overemphasizing certain manufactured characteristics in an effort to compensate for our insecurities. As a result of these pursuits, we often hurt those around us, or in this case, those whose image we are pursuing; i.e. the Oompa Loompas.

The Oompa Loompas as a people have long been degraded in the social theater that is beauty standards. Mocked for their clementine skin, scoffed at for their white eyebrows, jested at for their smooth green locks, and ridiculed for their particularly nuanced fashion taste of white overalls and gingerbread-tinted turtlenecks. This disgrace has gone on for too long, and the recent adoption of their image is utterly hypocritical (see: the rise in overalls among hipsters, the use of spray tans in special events, etc.). What’s next? Bleaching eyebrows? Dying hair? The use of turtlenecks for high fashion, perhaps with the inclusion of a gold chain? I for one won’t stand for it. The spray tan has got to go.


By Owen Hudson,


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